Slapstick Fellowship

The council is seated all in a square *ahem* circle

Gandalf raps his stick to the tune "You ain’t nothing but a hound dog"

Sam shakes his head in his hiding place

Elrond looks at everyone and says, “Shall we begin?” He waits for everyone to nod.

Everyone nods

Elrond grins "Good let the party begin!"

Streamers and balloons magically appear and pretty elven maidens dance out to put food on the table

Everyone gawks.

Sam mutters “This ain't fair. This is supposed to be a secret, important meetin'”

Elrond says, “Alright where shall we start?”

Pippin yells and runs out “Not without me!”

Gandalf is surfing the web for *ahem* Adult stuff. He looks up at Pippin rushing in and shuts his laptop off

Elrond sits back and smokes his pipe weed and looks at Frodo

Pippin looks at Gandalf. What are you looking at?

Gandalf says “Things that a hobbit should not know”

Gandalf shows the sites to Aragorn and Boromir

Pippin says “Ohhh wizard stuff. Well, they were selling a special collectors addition of mushrooms on ME-bay”

Aragorn and Boromir gape

Gandalf shows them a full-scale picture of Galadrial. He then shows the picture to Legolas.

Legolas pauses for a moment before saying “Wait a sec, Gandalf...hit Back”

Gandalf hits the back button

Frodo peers over to see what's going on

Legolas raises his eyebrows. “Estel.... Isn’t that...Arwen?”

Elrond gets up immediately and walks over

Gandalf quickly changes sites.

Elrond says sternly “Was that what I heard?”

Legolas looks up. “Nothing sir!”

Elrond raises an eyebrow but goes back to his seat.

Gandalf brings the picture back up.

The dwarves walk over too and stare at the screen.

Pippin comes over and gasps.

Elrond is snoring, drool dripping.

Sam frowns. “Now this is too much!”

Sam leaps out and joins the others.

Merry and Frodo join them too.

Gandalf clears his throat and motions for everyone to go back to their  seats.

Sam mutters “Is that...”

Gandalf looks at Sam.  “Little things which hobbits should not see”

Grimli yells. “Someone wake that elf over there!”

Pippin frowns and says, “We may be small. But Sam is 38, Frodo is 50, Merry is 36, and I am 28!”

Gandalf grins. “Still no, no, no, not for hobbits to see.”

Grimli gets up and kicks Elrond’s chair, sending Elrond flying into a wall

Pippin mumbles “Perverty wizards”

Gandalf makes a flowerpot drops onto Pippin just enough to knock him out without any blood.

Sam exclaims. “Mr. Pippin! . Now really Mr. Gandalf, was that
necessary?”

Gandalf grins. “Yes, this is alright was a secret meeting after all”

Elrond wakes up with a bump

Legolas sighs. “Will this ever get underway?”

Elrond goes back to his seat. “Oh yes...where were we? Ah yes of course the ring bearer”

Grimli smirks

A farting sound is heard as Elrond sits down

Frodo snickers

Sam covers his mouth

Elrond removes the whoppie coushion and glares at Fido er Frodo

Frodo bursts out laughing

Sam whispers to Frodo “You did that, sir? It seemed like something Merry and Pippin would do"

Sam looks at the unconscious pippin.

Frodo grins happily. “Pippin owes me 20 mushrooms now”

Sam sighs

Frodo explains how he got the ring etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. he goes in detail on how good the ring is)

Pippin wakes up and yells. “The ring is from the 25 cent toy machine at
the market!”

A booming voice from the sky says to Pippin “Shhh its supposed to be a
secret I'll give you 30 mushrooms if you'll be quiet!!!”

Pippin shuts up and a bag of 30 mushrooms appears next to him. Pippin
grins

Gandalf says, “The ring isn’t even made of real metal its cheap plastic!”

All gasp

Gandalf continues “The writing on it is in Hieroglyphics! It says made in Taiwan!”

Legolas rolls his eyes. “Clearly, our dear Wizard has been into the pipe weed again!”

Gandalf rants like a crazed manic waving his hands about and stick too.

Sam takes out his pan. He whispers “forgive me” and hits Gandalf over he head.

Gandalf drops like a rock onto the chair

Sam goes pale

Elrond sighs “So what are we going to do with the ring?”

Everyone looks at a videotape in the middle of the table

Sam sighs “Let me guess, you want me to put that in?”

Elrond looks at the tape.

Elrond says, “I don’t know could be dangerous”

Merry jumps and puts the tape into the TV and plays it.

Sam goes and sits down.

Everyone watches the video taken from "The ring"

"I don't like it, Merry" Pippin whispers

The telephone rings and Elrond mentions for Sam to get it.

Sam: Council of Elrond, how may i help you?

"7 days…"

Sam looks confused “7 days?”

*CLICK*

The phone rings again

Elrond waits for Sam to pick it up again

Sam says “Council of Elrond”

"Okay 6 days 23 hours 58 minutes 43 seconds till you die"

*CLICK*

Sam hangs up the phone and looks at everyone. “Well, I don't suppose
that was a courtesy call”

Elrond: So what are we gonna do with the plastic thing

Frodo places the ring in front of everyone to see

"We need to destroy it" Legolas says

Elrond nods and gets a mallet from nowhere

"Wait!" Pippin yells

Elrond stop inches from the ring

They look at Pippin, who looks down. "I forget"

Elrond swings again

"Gandalf is still unconscious" Pippin comments

The mallet breaks

Merry gasps "Wow tough plastic

Sam walks up to the ring and picks it up. "Mr. Frodo sir" he turns and looks at Frodo

Frodo snatches it back and plays peek-a-boo with the council using the ring

Elrond rolling eyes "No, sir. YOU'RE wearing the plastic ring. This is the real one"

Frodo goes oops and takes the REAL ring and plays peek-a-boo

The telephone rings again

Sam gets up. "Council of Elrond"

"Hello sir, I would like to introduce you to this one of a kind, all round cool looking crystal ball of Saruman for only $99.99

Sam hangs up. "Courtesy call"

The phone rings again

Sam sighs and picks up "council of Elrond

"If you like to join the 9 ring wraiths, press 1. It you want to join the Orcs press 2..."

Sam hangs up. "Mr. Elrond, sir..."

Elrond looks up

Sam: "You need Caller ID"

Gandalf hands Elrond a catalog which says "Play M.E." Elrond flips through and eeps before closing the book and

Elrond picks up a catalog and flips through

Elrond yawns idly and says "what do you suggest”

"So, this meeting has been relatively pointless" Legolas says, playing with a strand of hair

Merry picks up "Play M.E."

Merry grins "Hey Lego is this......."

Pippin looks over his shoulder

Merry opens the fold out of Legolas

Merry whistles

Sam covers his face, and Pippin cracks up. Legolas goes pale and snatches at the fold out

Merry laughs

Pippin laughs "Says here that some think yer's gay"

"I'm not" Legolas scowls. "I just happen to be very feminine"

Pippin ahs. "Another argument is that you used to be a female..."

Legolas growls "Unheard of! Elves are just very delicate creatures!"

Elrond bangs the hammer on the table "Order in the council Order in the council!"

"All rise for the Honorable Lord Elrond, this court is again in session" Pippin says.

*the song All rise by Blue is played*

All rise

Merry continues for Pippin “and be seated”

All drop into their reclining chairs

Gandalf wakes up

"Aragorn and Boromir are awfully quiet" Sam whispers

Merry goes over and see what Aragon and Boromir are doing

Elrond says "I propose we send some nuts to go destroy the ring at Mt. Doom *lightning strikes*

Aragorn shuts the laptop

Elrond nods "All in favor say I"

Merry gasps

Sam swallows

Elrond bangs the hammer HARD and he breaks the table

"Boromir, check the printer" Aragorn says out of the corner of his mouth. Boromir nods.

Merry pounces on the paper coming out and gasps

"What is it, Mer?" Pippin joins his cousin. "Oh...."

Merry grins and nabs the paper and runs off

"Merry! Wait up!" Pippin chases him, followed by the two Men

Elrond bangs the wall and drags everyone back

"Aragorn's printing pictures of Arwen" Pippin shouts

Elrond has a thundercloud over him

Aragorn glares at Pippin

Lightning rains

Elrond growls "Why you......."

Gandalf whacks Elrond over the head with his stick

"Lord Elrond..." Aragorn says

Elrond drops like a stone

"Gandalf..really!" Aragorn frowns

Gandalf grins "He was about to kill you"

Aragorn sighs "I doubt that. He is, after all, my foster father"

Gandalf chuckles "And you are his daughter's lover"

Aragorn nods. "Yes"

Gandalf smirks  "You know how protective he his"

Aragorn nods. "Yes"

Gandalf grins widely  "Right and you know what he can do"

Aragorn’s eyes widen. "Gandalf!"

Gandalf smiles innocently

"So" Sam says slowly "about this quest"

Gandalf nods.

Sam looks around

Big booming voice: You will form a fellowship. You will form a fellowship with 9 people. You will form a fellowship with 9 people and go to Mt.Doom *lightning strikes*. You will form a fellowship with 9 people and go to Mt.Doom *lightning strikes* and destroy the ring. You will do as I say. You will obey me. You will form the fellowship with Aragon, Boromir, Gandalf, Sam, Fido I mean Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Legolas and Grimli.

"Where’s that voice coming from?" Pippin looks around

Big booming voice says “You will not question me. You will do as I say”

Everyone says in a hypnotized tone. “ We will do as you say”

Pippin sighs and digs into his bag of mushrooms

Frodo goes and grabs his 20 mushrooms

Pippin: "Hey! Frodo!"

Frodo: "You owe me"

Pippin: "How do you figure??"

Flashback to when Pippin and Frodo were playing truth or dare*

"Okay, Frodo" Pippin grins" Truth or dare"

Frodo says "Dare"

Pippin says " I dare you" he pauses for emphasis. "To run up to the Gamgee's and recite a love poem for Sam. 20 mushrooms if u do it"

Frodo says "No no another one"

Pippin says "That was a good one though! k" he thinks "Oh, I got one. If we ever leave the Shire...i dare you to put a whoopie cushion under an Elf"

Frodo nods "Al right".

*Flashback disappears*

"Well, thank goodness you didn't choose the first dare" Sam exclaims

Frodo claims his 20 mushrooms

Pippin grumbles

Gandalf looks at everyone "Is everyone happy?"

"Gandalf" Pippin says uncomfortably "before we leave..."

Gandalf: "yes?"

Pippin: "I need to relieve myself"

Gandalf grumbles

Gandalf: "Go and hurry! We aren’t going to stop at every tree"

Pippin runs off. He feels a pen in his pocket and grins. Entering the bathroom, he scrawls. "PEREGRIN TOOK WAZ HERE"

Meanwhile the phone rings

Everyone looks at Sam

Sam sighs. "You know how I’m going to answer" he says into the phone

Phone goes “*heavy breathing* Samwise.....Gamgee.......”

Sam blinks "yes"

Sauron's voice is heard over the phone “I........Am..... Your father!......”

Sam screams

Sauron continues “Come..... Join me and together we shall rule Middle Earth as father and son.”

"NEVER" Sam yells and hangs up the phone.

Somehow Sauron’s voice continues “I'll see you at Mt. Doom at noon and bring along that friend of yours

Samshrugs "I guess we got speakerphone..."

The line goes click.

Gandalf waits impatiently for pippin

Pippin finishes.... never really having gone to the bathroom and returns

Gandalf sighs "Are we ready now?"
B
ig booming voice exclaims "Wait you haven’t done the offering ritual yet!"

"Don't think Sam is" Pippin tilts his head toward the gardener, who is on the floor muttering "Gaffer is me dad...Gaffer is me dad"

All turns to look at Sam

Elrond is still asleep

"Gaffer is me dad"

Frodo gets Sam's pan and whacks him on the head

"OUCH! Mr. Frodo sir!" Sam rubs his head

Frodo kisses the back of his hand. "Yep he's back to normal

Sam exclaims "Sauron said he was me father, sir!"

Everyone blinks “What???”

Sam continues "He was on the phone! And he said me and Mr. Frodo had to go to Mt. doom by noon"

Everyone asks “He can hold the phone???!!!!”

Sam throws his hands up "Maybe its speakerphone!"

Everyone asks “He can dial the number???”

Sam yells, “How should i know? Maybe someone did it for him!"

Everyone shrugs “okay whatever…”

Grimli looks at everyone "I'll offer my axe to cut down wood on the journey"

"And my bow to ward off Orcs" Legolas says

"And my stick to whack everyone who annoys me" says Gandalf grinning sadistically

Pippin and Sam back away from Gandalf

Aragorn says "I offer my protection, sword....and my greasy hair to keep bad guys away."

Boromir covers his face with his hands "We're all doomed"

Gandalf smiles at everyone "Lets go" and drags pippin and merry by the ear out of Rivendell